When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I could fuck to npr.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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