just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
