It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
