Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize