okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
