so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
either way he was missing a nipple.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You made out with two different species that night
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
