can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
