alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize