i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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