I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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