I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
the liver wants what the liver wants
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
