I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Can I color on your dick again?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
