I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
