I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
