i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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