Are we in a gay sports bar?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i will never coherently bang her
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
