Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
How's work?
Spinning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
