Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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