I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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