Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
