i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize