I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
