I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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