'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
