$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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