see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
