I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
