Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
