We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
