last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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