is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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