I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
