I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
