Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize