sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
