He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
