Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
