I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize