I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
