Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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