If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
