Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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