just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
