when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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