I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize