Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
