chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
