I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
