Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
