so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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