i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
