I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
