Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
