Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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