Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
