guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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