in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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